So I have come back to writing, which I have actually missed a lot by the way, and I am going to make some changes because I am on a mission to make myself happy. I am going to write about my mission in different posts and then once I am done you will see the amount that has changed. Starting of with why I left my fiance.
You can probably tell by my title why I left my fiance. I do not condone abuse in any way whats so ever but it was not the typical abuse story. It was in many different ways over a long time. Chipped away at me. I lost a lot of friends and all of my confidence. I would feel like I have to do what he wanted or I was the worst person in the history of humans. Reading them words back makes it sounds trivial but I loved this man and all I wanted to do was keep him happy. Which became harder and harder because he wanted so much from me.
About 80 percent of my hard earnt money would go on him. What he wanted, any of his half of the bills that he could not afford because he has gone out and spent it all on stuff for himself. It doesn’t sound much but on top of everything else it was just another thing to kick me down.
It become a more frequent thing in the last year of the relationship in which something would not go his way and he would lose his head. He would shout at me and tell me he didn’t love me and in fact hated me. He was only with me out of pity and he can not even stay in the same room with me he hates me that much. The words he used to speak to me where vile and sometimes humiliating. He would calm down after a while and apologise and silly old me would accept the apology. He would be nice for maybe a couple of days and then unfortunately it would happen again. I learnt that as long as I stay out of the way , left him to it and not argue with him he would not push me or get physical.
That last paragraph leads us on to the next subject. Something I struggle with massively. I have never actually spoken about what he has done and I am not sure if I ever will. But what I will say is yes he has got physical and some of the things that happened where grabbing me by the neck, pushing and hitting in places that would not show bruising. I’m not 100 percent sure if he did this out of intelligent’s or it was just the first place he went for out of anger. I completely understand that it is wrong and in the moment I knew it was wrong but I made excuses for him. I would encourage any one in this situation to get out. I was lucky, not every one is.
I felt completely a lone and didn’t know who to talk to and what to even say to them. I did not want any one to think bad of him as he has actually been through a lot as child. He would make negative comments about wanting to end his life through out the relationship and i did not want to add to the stress of this.
Just to add to the stress of walking away from the relationship his mother decided to insert her self. Please keep in mind she has not bothered with him for about 3 years because she had a new boyfriend. A couple of years before I left my ex boyfriend, we where talking about how he was not doing very well in school and he was getting angry. This lead to us discussing what had happened in the relationship which his mother over heard. Because of this she made it known to me that she knew some of what was happening. Fast forward to when I left my ex fiance she decided to tell people it was because I wanted to sleep around. All because she didn’t like me.
A hand full of people close to me know any of this maybe less. My parents, sister and 2 or 3 friends. And now I have written it out I actually feel a lot better. I have been to counselling which has actually helped. I am sorry if any of this has hit home with any body and I honestly can not express how much I am against abuse in any way.
This is just one change to my life that has made me happy. Unfortunately there are a few negatives in the last couple of months but a few positives.
Thank you for reading, I will see you next time.